Memoirs Of A Dead Guy
by TotallyMad
Summary: The way I died was somewhat anticlimactic... I mean, who survives eighteen years of being chased by a homicidal maniac and surviving four major battles, just to get bitten by a vampire less than two weeks after the death of said homicidal maniac?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I so not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own Twilight.

**Warnings: **Mentions of M/M/F Threesome.

**Pairings:** All the Twilight Pairings, with an added surprise. RWHG.

**Notes:** This is the first in what I hope will become my 'Memoirs' series. If I get enough positive feedback, I may write others set in the same universe. Only if there is noted interest, though.

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**Memoirs Of A Dead Guy**

The way I died was somewhat anticlimactic.

I suppose that many people would think that of their deaths, if they could, but to me, it was more like 'Oh. That's kind of ironic.' I mean, who survives eighteen years of being chased by a homicidal maniac and surviving four major battles, just to get bitten by a vampire less than two weeks after the death of said homicidal maniac?

That's right. It could only happen to me. Just record it as one more suckish thing to happen in the suckish life of Harry James Potter. That's me, by the way. Harry Potter.

The homicidal maniac that chased after me for eighteen years was named Lord Voldemort, real name Tom Marvolo Riddle. Yeah, I know; what a name.

I'll bet that you're wondering just how I could be telling you about my death if I'm... well... _dead._ If you are wondering this, then you obviously weren't paying attention when I mentioned getting bitten by a vampire, were you?

Yes, Harry Potter, Saviour of the Wizarding World, has been a vampire for the last ten years. So... _technically_ dead. And wouldn't the_ Daily Prophet_ just love to get their hands on _that_. As far as most of the Wizarding World was aware, Harry Potter disappeared after the final battle. Of course, Ron and Hermione know. Luna knows, because you can't keep a secret from Luna for long. I can remember her walking into Ron and Hermione's house without knocking, a few months after my turning. She stood there with her hands on her hips and said crossly, "And when did you think you were going to tell me, Harry Potter?"

Luna was the one to recommend that I move to America. She even specified the exact town that I should go to. I will not recommend Alaska to anyone, by the way. If you live there then great, good for you. But let me just say, those of you that complain about _British_ weather, don't go to Alaska.

I am glad that I went, though. If I hadn't gone, I never would have met my new family.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Ever since I was turned, I have never drunk blood from a single human being. Hermione researched into why this was and came to the conclusion that my willpower was just that strong. I suppose anyone who can resist the Imperius Curse can resist the temptation of draining humans. This is what made it possible for me to hide out at Ron and Hermione's house that they bought with the money that came with their Orders of Merlin. They were, obviously, wary at first, but who could blame them? They were sharing their house with a vampire!

I attended their wedding, a year later, under heavy glamours. This was where they found me.

The Unspeakables cornered me at the reception. They knew all about me and were only too willing to go to the _Prophet _with the information unless I helped them. I was being blackmailed by the Department of Mysteries.

At first, it was supposed to be just the one job. I would help the DOM track down the remaining Death Eaters and then I would be free to go about my life... or unlife, as it were.

The first job ran to a second, which ran to a third...

Eventually, Luna came up with the option of America. If I hid in Muggle America, she theorised, the DOM would find it a lot harder to track me; their influence didn't reach that far. I admit that it sounded logical. I hated that I would have to leave my friends. Ron and Hermione had just had their first child, a baby girl they called Rose. But I eventually did it.

Scheming witch. Luna neglected to tell me just what I would find in Denali, Alaska. Ten other vampires were not listed on my travel information. After my meeting with the Denali and Cullen Covens, I spent half an hour on the phone to Luna, yelling at her. The most I got out of her was a giggle and a, "Just wait and see." Damn seers. They think they know everything.

Well, I did see. I saw exactly what Luna meant and why she sent me to that particular place at that particular time... But you shall find that out later.

I did stay hidden for nearly five years. Would you believe that it was an Unspeakable visiting family that caught me? Even Luna or Alice couldn't have foreseen that.

They brought me in to do one last job. I knew it would be one last job this time, because the head of the DOM had changed... to Alicia Spinett.

I remembered Alicia well from our years of playing Quidditch together. She knew told me that she wished she didn't have to use me, but she had no choice. They were hunting down a bunch of rogue vampires, and the Volturi stay out of Wizarding affairs, even if vampires are involved. The mission took two years.

I missed my family so badly. I used my mobile to call them whenever I had the chance, but it just wasn't the same. I wanted to be there. I missed Carlisle's fatherly pats on the back; Esme's warm hugs; Alice's dazzling smile. I missed hearing Emmett's booming laugh; Rosalie's scornful comments. I missed the warm comforting emotions I always associated with Jasper.

When it was over, I felt so relieved. I could go home. For the first time in two years, I could go back to my family.

When I realised this, I also realised my mobile starting to ring. I took it out of my pocket and checked the caller. I grinned. _Alice. _I should have known.

I answered the call and said "Hi Al-", but I was cut off by the shrieking.

"Oh, Harry! You're coming back!" Alice was squealing so loudly that I had to hold the phone away from my ear until she had finished.

"Apparently so, if you've seen it," I grinned. "I'm looking forward to meeting Edward's new girl." All Edward would talk about on the phone recently was Bella. It was Bella this, and Bella that. I actually had a talk with Carlisle about the possibility of Edward's gift finally driving him insane, like on that Buffy episode, but he just laughed at me.

"When are you going to get here?" Alice asked.

"You can't see it?" I teased. "And here, I thought you knew everything! I am so disappointed!"

I could practically _hear_ Alice roll her eyes at me. "Don't be smart with me, Harry Potter. You just haven't decided yet!"

I laughed. "Who else is there?" I asked.

"No one," Alice replied. "They're out hunting. Jazzy and I went the other day. I can go a couple more days without."

"Is Jasper...?" I trailed off.

"He's been having difficulties," Alice admitted. "He hasn't slipped, but I know it's been hard on him, without you here to help."

I nodded, and then I had an idea. "Say... what time is it over there?"

"Um... Four in the morning," Alice replied, before pausing. "Ooh!" she squealed.

Well, obviously she'd seen what I'd planned to do.

"Can you sort it?" I asked.

"No problem Harry. I will do everything and I will make sure no one finds out, even if I have to translate the National Anthem into every language I know."

That would put Edward off. I spent the next few minutes after ending the call, laughing at the expression I imagined would be on Edward's face after having to listen to Alice for more than half an hour.

I immediately went over to Ron and Hermione's to say goodbye. It was very tearful on the part of little Rosie and Hugo, who were by now seven and five years old. They'd gotten used to their Uncle Harry being around. I promised the four of them that I would still visit as often as I could, and would try to bring some of my family with me next time.

Then it was time to go.

I stood in the front hall of the Weasley house, looking at the clock. I had to time this perfectly. It was afternoon here, but with the time difference, the Cullen 'children' would be travelling to school.

I took one last look at the Weasley family watching me from the doorway, gave a smile and a small wave and apparated.

Yes, you heard me right. I apparated. That's my power, like Alice is a seer and Edward can read minds, I can travel from one place to the other instantaneously, just like wizards can apparate, so I call it apparition.

I apparated straight onto Jasper's knee as they drove in Edward's Volvo. Four of the five occupants of the car jumped and yelled in shock, while the fifth, who was Alice, giggled from behind the wheel.

"Hi guys," I grinned cheekily. "Miss me?"

If I were human, I would have died from the hug that was bestowed on me by Jasper. "Jasper, love," I laughed. "Ribs!"

Jasper relented, sheepishly, but still did not let go. "I missed you," he admitted.

"We all missed you," Rosalie leant over and squeezed Harry's hand.

Emmett and Edward voiced their agreement.

Edward turned to Alice. "No wonder you insisted on driving!" he scowled. "How long have you known?" he accused.

"Since about four o'clock this morning," Alice beamed.

It wasn't too long before we had arrived at Forks High School. We all got out of the car gracefully... well, we _are_ vampires after all. Jasper still hadn't let go of me. I knew that the separation would have been hard for him. We hadn't been more than a hundred yards from each other since we first met. Ever heard the phrase 'they were inseparable'? Yeah, that's me and Jasper.

Jasper and I walked to the main office, hand-in-hand, so that I could enrol. Alice was on my other side and the rest of our siblings followed behind.

I didn't notice the stares we were getting until I almost ran into a lad that was so busy staring that he had just stopped in the middle of our path. I looked around and saw that there was not a single human around that weren't staring at mine and Jasper's entwined hands.

Just for the fun of it, I turned to Edward. _'What are they thinking?' _I asked silently, trying to hide my smile.

"Most of them are wondering about Alice," Edward murmured, quietly enough so that only I could hear it.

I made up my mind in that second, and I could hear that short sharp burst of laughter from Alice, before she got it under control.

I tugged on Jasper's hand once we'd reached the front of the building, causing him to spin around and look at me questioningly. I just grinned at him mischievously and brought his head down to mine. I captured his lips in a short, sweet kiss. I released him after a few seconds and turned to face Alice, my lovely sweet Alice. She grinned just as mischievously back at me, holding out her hand. I took it and twirled her, before dipping her and pressing a kiss against her lips. She was laughing as we returned to our upright positions.

I linked my arms with my two mates and walked into the building, not soon enough so that I didn't catch the words the pretty brunette that turned up next to Edward, spoke.

"I feel like I've missed something."

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**Please Review. It makes me feel happy XD**


	2. Not a ChapterSorry!

Hiya everyone. I am really sorry that I probably got your hopes up and everything, but I had a question to ask you.

I am currently writing the next instalment of the Memoirs series... rather, I am writing the next two. Only, I can't decide who to do first, Jasper or Alice.

There is a poll on my profile so that you can vote on which you'd prefer the most.

Thanks

Maddy xxx


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